Aug 14, 2011

High Five on the Face
I think it was the year 1992.  I had my gray jacket on, the rain was pouring.  Still, I was early at school.  I was 8 or 9 back then, grade 2.  I never transferred to any school from first grade to high school so my classmates and I were kind of close.  Some transferred after graduating sixth grade, after graduating elementary.  Still, 6 years of being together through elementary, one section only and around 20-30 students per grade gives you this bond you can't easily forget.

Recess, we hurriedly went outside for a good break, the usual stuff.  Back then we have these groups with respective "leaders".  No, it was not designated by school policies but it was designated by who's the boss in our class.  The girls had their own group and any outcast would suffer throughout the day by pranks, mocks and the like.  I had my fair share of being bullied but this post is not me being bullied.  I think at some point I was the bully.

I like to keep out of trouble and as much as possible to be friends with everyone.  The thing is, "outcasts" change almost day to day.  You can be an outcast for an hour if you could please the leader.  But today, it was "C's" day to be  the outcast and I didn't even know it.  The leader and some guys were giving me "the look" and I know I was about to being an outcast.  I inquired, they said it was because I talked to "C".  I asked again what did he do to deserve that kind of treatment.  I know they've said something but I can't recall the reason.  So I distanced from him a bit, it was awkward.  "C' and I are friends.  You could say we have our own circle, kids with the same interests but we there was no leader among us.  I was just afraid of the fact that I'd be the one being an outcast.

So I thought the day would just fly by and probably tomorrow "C' and the rest of the group would forget about it and resume to normal.  But a request came, you and "C" should fight.  I kid you not, my heart was pounding very fast.  I do not like fights and "C" is my friend.  They took us to the auditorium and everyone was cheering, mocking and teasing.  It was awkward because we just had a great conversation before class started that day and now we're to fight by the stupid "leader".

I took off my jacket.  I don't want to go into the details but we did eventually fight and I think I "won" but I'm quite sure there was not beating involve.  I think I just pinned him down twice and the bell rang.  "C" was sitting on the floor wiping tears in his eyes, his uniform was kind of a mess.  I put on my jacket on and went out through the auditorium window with the rest of the guys.  They were cheering on me and my awesome moves and somehow I felt proud especially with my jacket on but I know it was so wrong of me to do that to "C".

A few minutes before our teacher came in, "C" came in with a sad face, his eyes were red and he was still trying to fix his uniform as he went to his seat.  I feel ashamed and horrified of what I did.  I don't know if I apologized but I think I did eventually that afternoon.  Since then, I don't want to be a bully again or to bully someone because of the fear of being bullied.

It's another day at school and he's just walking out the door, got his ruck sack on his back and his feet dragging on the floor. Always late, but when he's questioned he can't think of what to say. Hides the bruises from the teachers hoping that they go away. Even though his mom and dad they both got problems of their own caught in a catch 22 but he'd still rather be at home. Cries himself to sleep and prays when he wakes up things might have changed but everythings still the same.

But didn't you say you always said that I should speak up? But it seems like all the things you said to me before mean nothing at all because I keep telling you that Johnny's hitting me thats why I'm late for school but you never listen. Instead you always seem to end up blaming me for things I didn't do. For what it's worth, I didn't even want to tell you anything in case it made things worse. Just so you know, every time I say that Johnny's hitting me hey Mom and Dad it hurts.

Everyday keeps on repeating like the record on replay slowly getting off the bus with Johnny waiting at the gates. Like a friend smiling and waving and called him out his name, put his arm around his neck, "whats up now gimme all your change". Too afraid to make a scene or plead with him to let him go he just takes whatevers coming, feels the pain with every blow. Trys in vain to make himself be heard as soon as he gets home but everythings still the same.

You always said that I should speak up and to never be afraid to come and tell you if I needed to talk. Well I don't know the meaning of love 'cause it seems like all the things you said to me before mean nothing at all.


haha. thanks! have to rewrite this!

by Earl on January 5, 2012 at 9:19 AM. #

Nice. :)

by kat :) on January 5, 2012 at 9:19 AM. #

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